Obsession in Session!

Obsessing about meaningless shit 

is the second most hated thing I hate. 

(The first is grocery shopping. The first-first is injustice! Grr!)

Acceptable/healthy fixations:
Fascination with a famous writer. :) Yay, happy heart-brain stimulation!
Fantasizing about moving to Portland. :) Woohoo! Future mountainous lovely times, ahoy!
Looking up grad school programs in multiple disciplines. :) Goodness, don't these opportunities look fun and challenging!

But it's those hours-to-years of mental neon signs that blink...and blink and blink until you feel crazy and want to go home, but you're all ready home because your head is your only true home. The ones labeled "You Suck!" or "Ex-boyfriend" and "How to really fix your posture this time" or "Why are you so fat?!" that crash my mental clarity party really ride my nerves.

Examples of the most annoying fucking reoccurring thought-binges:
1) I've eaten too many fig newtons again. ...
You've eaten too many fucking fig newtons again! Fucking fig newtons, you'll never realize your dreams! Vow to never eat again. Cue self-hatred. Blame your complicated relationship with your mother on fig newtons. Realize nothing has anything to do with fig newtons. Eat fig newtons again because you ate almost half the package yesterday, so naturally you finish it off today. Whyyyyyy?! Repeat until you get the good sense to stop buying fig newtons (which is usually after day 4.)

2) My nose is huge. ...
Your nose is huge, bitch! Your enormous schnoz is the reason no one could possibly ever love you! Look up angioplasty procedures. Cue self-hatred. Realize a nose job will not solve your problems. Research dignified big noses, like those on Native Americans. Notice they all look good on dudes. You look like a dude. Fuck, your life is screwed, you look like a dude. Remember that's not a big deal, who are you to judge beauty norms and apply them to your totally warped sense of self? Fuck it, when I turn 40 I'm going under the knife. Go home and have a beer, sheesh. (Also avoid mirrors for the next 24 hrs.)

3) My ex-boyfriends probably all date supermodels in Ph.D. programs. ...
You're never getting anywhere in life and that's why you were so hostile, they deserve those Dr. McPerfect-Specimens. Look up ex-boyfriends on facebook. Cue bloodhound research skills when you realize he doesn't have a public profile. Find the one that dumped you for that girl at HIS university married him and she looks exactly like you. Luckily you love your boyfriend otherwise this would be hell. Remember he's the greatest guy ever, but still feel that lingering bear trap of need-to-know! in the back of your head for days.


These bullshit* pacing back and forth in the big vacant room of my head that leaves no space for anything else Q: What's black and white and red all over? A: My brain (gray matter, heard of it?) after I've had an aneurism from freaking out for 7 straight hours about the cellulite shadows on my arms in that one vacation picture or how I'll be hump-backed in 6 months if I sit at this desk for another minute...err, another 6 months.(Yeah, logic isn't my forte in this state of mind.)

Oh, want to hear the best part? Meta-obsession!

"What does that mean?" you say? It means that I have been researching the possible reasons I do this constantly. There's no way I can be normal (I say with an obvious hint of sarcasm because of-course-I'm-normal and a slight rise in tone at "mal" just in case you don't agree?)

Possible disorders:
OCD
Anxiety Disorder
ADHD
Paranoid Schitzofrenia

Possible physical causes of depressive and anxious thoughts: 
Hypothyroidism
Too much damn coffee
Lack of excercise
Unclean colon
Excess consumption of artificial sweetener

This doesn't really relate to what I'm talking about but here's some Guns N Roses!

Bad Obsession

* I contend that "these bullshit" is plural, similar to "these data" or "these moose".